School and the Expo

So I love that everyone is like, "so how is school going?" and I am like well it is still going weather I wanna go or not. Turns out I am all done! I just don't want to go anymore and there is still over a month to go. BOO! But the good news is that the scrapbook expo is this weekend!!! Not only do I get to go there and make fun of all the super strange ladies that are clamoring over one another for the next free item, I get to spent the whole weekend with my very best friend!!! Melanie, ready or not here I come! (complete with diet coke and chocolate!)

My Love Hurts!

I keep thinking if I just keep myself running to the point of madness, I won't have time to sit down and fall apart. As it turns out, however it hits you anyway. I dunno why now or what the deal is.... lately life has hit me harder and faster than ever before.

School

Okay so starting school is scary! I am so nervous about it. I'm pretty sure I was not that good the first round and now after like ten years.... well we get the picture!

Everyone keeps saying well what did you want to be when you were little.... um..... k so I don't remember ever wanting to A. grow up or 2. have a job when and if I got there. So that probably doesn't bode well for me either right? Oh well I have decided to become a teacher now! I know a little out there for me but then I will have a schedule pretty close to my kids, and I won't have to worry about not having the same days off as them. So starting tomorrow I am off to start this fun new journey... the best part is my good friends are in it with me. Thanks everyone for all of your support! Lets all pray that I am not too retarted to do this!

BLACK FRIDAY!!!

okay so tomorrow is thanksgiving and blah blah blah. We are all thankfull for something right! Well I love black friday. I love the turkey too but the truth is I am just in it for the shopping! I start at around 3:30am and am done around 10am. I love to go for the good deals but also cause it is always so funny to see who comes out for the fun!!! There is always everything from the person in the pajamas that don't match and probably have not seen the washing machine in at least the past 2 months, and next to her is the girl who had to stay up all night so her hair and makeup wouldn't get messed up for the shopping experience! You know the one i'm talking about... she has big bumped up hair that she wears like a helmet cause when her head moves here hair doesnt, and the makeup that you have on soo thick you can't touch your face or it leaves a divit! Yeah! I love it. I love the people who are in line to check out and see something you have in your hands and ask what it is and where you got it and if there were still some left... then they run off to get one! They didn't even want it till they saw you had one! I find myself laughing outloud sometimes. And then there are the women having a full out brawl over who gets the last of that bike that was on sale at the wal mart! I love those 2 because they get a big enough crowd and the checkout lines get shorter!!! Tee hee hee. But here is the truth. I just like to go and see what I can get and for how much. It is just fun. So here is to all those who enjoy black friday as much as me!

Sundays

So I really thought Scotts Birthday wouldn't be so bad. I got up with a plan and it pretty much all went downhill from there. I hate to fall apart in front of people. But sometimes the wave hits you and you just can't do anything about it.

But Sundays are the worst. I miss Scott the worst then because that was always the day I got the most of him. The day when we would watch some stupid show (not on tv cause we are too cheap for that. Usually on netflix or the computer.) and let it go on forever and ever and just be together. Or we would go to Mindy and Johny's or Kelly and Curts and watch so you think you can dance. May be the lonliest day for the rest of my life it feels like.

We got the house almost completely done. New bathrooms one with the jetted tub that Scott always wanted. Turns out I don't really like them at all, but the boys LOVE it! So good move in the end I guess. New kitchen, appliances (and just when I was getting the hang of our crappy stove), and everything. We are getting new carpet and doors and trim this week. But none of it is at all worth it. I keep feeling so ungrateful when people ask me how I like having all this new stuff I try to be happy and give a good response but the truth is I don't seperate that if I had Scott I wouldn't have this stuff and it is not worth the trade. But it is the compromise to keeping the house I guess. So if I ever had to sell it I would be in a better position to do so. I am thankful. But I have had lifechanging and a new kitchen is just not it.

I just miss Scott so much lately and am trying so hard to throw myself into the other things that I have like my church callings and whatever other projects I can come up with but the truth is it just hurts all the time now. I guess as a result the ward activities are very well planned out and well in advance. But it doesn't help because at the end of the day I just want to be alone and cry. I am so glad to have friends to go bug and family here who don't mind if I just show up randomly.

It was fast sunday and I always think I should get up and bear my testimony but then I just don't have the courage. What do I say that I know I get to see My Love again and I am thankfull? Or the truth that I am sick of the getting kicked in the teeth with these life lessons. I do know that the church is true and now more than ever I am so thankful for my ward and for the simple act of going to church. But it is like Brenda said "he won't give it to you if he won't see you through it... but it makes you wonder why he trusts you so much." And I guess that is it. Why did he trust me with such a big thing? And why do I need to be alone? Especially when I truely love Scott with every piece of me? We are a great team. I don't think I want all the answers, just a few more than I have. I am so thankful for everyone who goes out of their way to help me all the time though. I am just already tired of being alone.

Wow so sometimes I find that life is just very overwhelming! but my sister Brenda just posted to my facebook page that" God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, makes us wonder why he trusts me so much. " I love that she said that cause it gives me hope. i do wonder why he trusted me with all of this! But I love my kids and even when I am soooo tired I still just want to do what is right. Ihope that I am doing that. dunno. but Jalee has really been there so much for me and I can never really begin to say thanks for that. I also love how Melanie always drops everything for me! I am beginning to be a pretty needy friend.
Anyway the other week (as Jalee would say) Gabe asked me where heaven is... I said that some people think it is somewhere up high in the clouds. Oh he said then after a bit of a pause he said I don't think that is true. I think it is here with us, because god and my dad don't wanna be that far away from us. I just don't think we can see them. but they are here. I think Gabe is so awesome! it makes me happy.

Working Hard

Wow so It seem like I live in my car lately. The boys are sure patient with me and all the dragging them around. I take Gabe to school, go to work (with Noah and Triston) and then we go home. Then we go get Gabe from school, sometimes run errands and then go to soccer practice or some other thing we have set out. Boo! I'm going through so much stinking gas! Anyway so we had soccer games today and Noah is so funny. First I had to bribe him to get him to even play. But that totally worked so I am really not complaining at all! Then he does pretty good for the first half but then his attention is gone and the game has become dull. So he simply finds other things that interest him. For instance he gets he "goggles" out you know he makes circles with his fingers and hands and looks through them. So then the coach (bless his patient heart) sees this and calls him back to reallity. He said "run Noah, get the ball"! My son thinks what he means by this is "lets race down the field" so he races the coach down the field and throws his hands in the air triumphantly when he wins. (the coach doesn't know what the H** he is doing so he just sais again... "Noah, get the ball!") Then the whisle is blown and again with the attention span of a gnat Noah is distracted. He takes a few steps in the direction the coach has been "gently" indicating for a bit but lo and behold a dandelion!!!! Which he abrublty stops (in the middle of the commotion) and picks the flower, Strolls casually over to the coach and says "I needa go giz this to my mom k?) and off he strolls (right through the middle of the hullaballoo) to me! I gracefully accept the flower and by this time the coach has ordered a sub for my distracted son and the game doesn't miss a beat. Seeing that he has been replaced my son then takes the initiative and heads for the car! Well he is done so we now need to go get the promised treat! Whew! My mom was there and couldn 't stop chuckling through the whole game. Oh, and there was no discrimination... he went back (while the game was still going) and found my mom a flower too!!! He is awesome! I love his stinking guts (as Jalee would put it) LOL Hope your soccer games are fun like mine!