Sundays

So I really thought Scotts Birthday wouldn't be so bad. I got up with a plan and it pretty much all went downhill from there. I hate to fall apart in front of people. But sometimes the wave hits you and you just can't do anything about it.

But Sundays are the worst. I miss Scott the worst then because that was always the day I got the most of him. The day when we would watch some stupid show (not on tv cause we are too cheap for that. Usually on netflix or the computer.) and let it go on forever and ever and just be together. Or we would go to Mindy and Johny's or Kelly and Curts and watch so you think you can dance. May be the lonliest day for the rest of my life it feels like.

We got the house almost completely done. New bathrooms one with the jetted tub that Scott always wanted. Turns out I don't really like them at all, but the boys LOVE it! So good move in the end I guess. New kitchen, appliances (and just when I was getting the hang of our crappy stove), and everything. We are getting new carpet and doors and trim this week. But none of it is at all worth it. I keep feeling so ungrateful when people ask me how I like having all this new stuff I try to be happy and give a good response but the truth is I don't seperate that if I had Scott I wouldn't have this stuff and it is not worth the trade. But it is the compromise to keeping the house I guess. So if I ever had to sell it I would be in a better position to do so. I am thankful. But I have had lifechanging and a new kitchen is just not it.

I just miss Scott so much lately and am trying so hard to throw myself into the other things that I have like my church callings and whatever other projects I can come up with but the truth is it just hurts all the time now. I guess as a result the ward activities are very well planned out and well in advance. But it doesn't help because at the end of the day I just want to be alone and cry. I am so glad to have friends to go bug and family here who don't mind if I just show up randomly.

It was fast sunday and I always think I should get up and bear my testimony but then I just don't have the courage. What do I say that I know I get to see My Love again and I am thankfull? Or the truth that I am sick of the getting kicked in the teeth with these life lessons. I do know that the church is true and now more than ever I am so thankful for my ward and for the simple act of going to church. But it is like Brenda said "he won't give it to you if he won't see you through it... but it makes you wonder why he trusts you so much." And I guess that is it. Why did he trust me with such a big thing? And why do I need to be alone? Especially when I truely love Scott with every piece of me? We are a great team. I don't think I want all the answers, just a few more than I have. I am so thankful for everyone who goes out of their way to help me all the time though. I am just already tired of being alone.